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Even if itapos;s been almost a year, you find some fucking way to fuck with my head. Fuck you. Now i donapos;t know what to do. Sit here and ignore the situation or fucking talk this shit out. I look for advice but they all have different opinions. I donapos;t know what to do, what to say, or anything. All these memories are just flooding back into my brain after it took so long to hide them away. Ever corner has a little piece of you there, still. I miss you, i miss this, i miss it, i miss us. Fucking fuck ass.


and why do you have to be such a dick? dude, why would you be so conceited about this shit if youapos;re so insecure? youapos;re completely desperate for love, but you have the balls to be so quick to brush it off your shoulder? are you kidding me?


i had my episode, i am fine now, though, i am torn between my head and heart. Me versus myself. I donapos;t know how to react, how to think, how to do anything. There is no right choice, but i have to come close to some conclusion, and soon.


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Baby Iapos;m amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe Iapos;m afraid of the way I love you
Baby Iapos;m amazed at the the way you pulled me out of time
Hung me on a line
Maybe Iapos;m amazed at the way I really need you

(Paul McCartney)


I�canapos;t thank you enough.� Youapos;re someone whom I can look up to.� You motivate me to be successful.� Youapos;re everything that I�need that comes together in one package.� With you, there are endless possibilities and things to explore.� And yes, together we can fly to the moon. :)


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Went for a trail run this morning and saw a herd of deer, not 50 yards away. Raisin pointedly ignored them.

Itapos;s a lovely day.

Still no DSL. I found a blank faceplate high on the bathroom ceiling. When I�took it off, I found several pairs of wires with caps on them. I�donapos;t know how to tell what they are.

Iapos;m feeling sort of blue for a perfect 70 degree day off after a good first week of work. Iapos;m probably just lonely. Bah.

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The Buick is officially re-registered, has new tags, and is legal to drive. Iapos;ve decided that the car suits me well after all. Worthless, broken, and unwanted, it still manages to get around and do what it needs to do. Just like me.

I paid off the ticket I got for no license / expired registration. I got it dropped to less than half the original amount by showing proof I solved both problems. Alex charmed everyone, thankfully. He smiles for me now.

I opened a checking account at Freedom Credit Union. I didnapos;t know where else to go. The big banks are all being sold out or going under, plus have high fees. I should get my debit card within a week or two; Iapos;ll change my direct deposit tonight.

The bluetooth Mac mouse is set up to be sold tonight for a whole $5. Not much, but itapos;s something. Iapos;m just bringing it to work with me, and will take care of the meeting / sale there. That avoids the need for further interaction, emailing, favors, etc.

Shambry is online. I realize Iapos;m staring at that fact. I try not to. Should I sign off so she can be online? Will she sign off because Iapos;m on now? Will I be reading meaning into every ridiculous normal bit of activity I see forever?

I took a look at myself today in the mirror. A real look. Iapos;m old. Iapos;m overweight, out of shape. I have stretch marks. Iapos;m tired, sore, and ugly. No wonder some kid was more appealling.

I reread my recent entries. Full of anger, despair, and pathetic desperation. The words waver between making sense and seeming alien. Is this who Iapos;ve always been? No wonder a stranger sounded better to her.

I thought back to my actions over the past months. I thought about myself a year ago. Though I continued to rely on her and need her, I realize Iapos;ve changed. Trying to keep my instability from hurting her, I ended up putting a wall between us emotionally. No wonder even a dilliquent kid provided better companionship.

I think about walking for miles that Friday afternoon. Again and again trying to shove my mind back together. Again and again noticing sharp objects everywhere. Struggling to hold everything in place though I couldnapos;t give a reason why. Struggling not to revert completely back to three years ago, where she found me... Empty, suicidal, just a ruined shell trying to end it all. But I am a little different. My mind cycled through the old options. Alchohol. Running to an ex. Sleeping pills. I cast each aside with disinterest. They were options before, why not now?

I couldnapos;t answer that then. I think I can now. Unfortunately, I now know what actual love feels like. Not the twisted, dark drama-seeking codependancy of Kim. Not the escapism and neediness of Betty. No, somehow I realized that I canapos;t escape whatapos;s inside my heart. As one-sided and unrequited as the feeling is, itapos;s real. Something about me feels real for the first time in decades. It may be painful, useless, even dangerous. But itapos;s all I have to hold on to. Watching myself fall to pieces again, itapos;s the one thing at my core that will stay put. Likely driving me mad. Drowning me in pain. But at least itapos;s real. In some small way, something about me is valid, even if utterly pointless.
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They fixed my firefox extention that makes the tabs do what I want, finally. It didnapos;t work at all when they changed to FF3, then it worked but glitched. I mean, seriously who wants every single link they click in LJ to open a new tab?? So I�had it set some weird way which was annoying, but kept me out of 10,000 tab land. It updated today...I put my settings back and it works

Iapos;m just saying...cause it makes me so happy. Yeah, Iapos;m easy like that :P

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I went to Duluth for the first time ever.

I did the following:

*Went to the Lake Superior Zoo, watched myself seen as lunch to some large cats, scratched a llama, had some bats wiggle their ears at me and was amused by two playful otters.

*Visited the Leif Erikson Park and saw the Viking ship wrapped up for the winter to preserve it.

*Walked a whole lot.

*Ate dessert #1 at the Portland Malt Shop.

*Ate a Wild Rice burger from Fitgerapos;s Brewhouse.

*Ate a slice of pie at Bettyapos;s Pies in Two Harbors.

*Drove the "North Shore Scenic" route and saw fall colors and Lake Superior.

*Stopped at a historical marker and then sat on some rocks looking at the Lake while crying/thinking about Gramps.

*Did lots of thinking during the drive which will be a whole different post eventually.

*Bought a whole pie to bring home because it was just that yummy.

Now back to work.

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See, I started the day well. I got up on time and got out of the condo and to the bus stop earlier than usual (by a few minutes). When I woke up I remembered that I had a telephone conference that I needed to attend. So, what happens? I get side-tracked on another matter and totally forget about the telecon I was supposed to attend. The other matter that sidetracked wasnapos;t hugely important although, to some extent, nor was the telecon. Still, I feel bad about missing it and wish I had remembered despite the fact I invariably have nothing to contribute to these things.

And then the stock market rallies on news that the US Government is going to buy shares of banks effectively nationalizing them. I dislike this tactic as it fails to address any problem and just socializes risk. I assume the government could sell the stocks and realize a gain but I am still confused as to how big of a roll the government will have in the banking industry now. This whole thing just feels wrong and I canapos;t help but feel that this rally is a sign that people are glad that they are no longer responsible for the malaise and that the government is now willing to back up the stupid decisions that have been made. In a sense, it feels like the government is approving of what is happening.

On a related note, my mother was watching a show where a mortgage broker and a mortgagee were being interviewed and the conversation went like this:

Mortgage Broker: When I issued the mortgage, I knew they were not going to be able to afford it.

Mortgagee: I also knew that I was unable to afford the mortgage payments but I still went ahead with it.

Perhaps I am a true idiot but I donapos;t understand how this transaction proceeded. Did I miss something? Isnapos;t this fraud? And isnapos;t fraud illegal still? Both parties knowingly entered into a contractual agreement that both knew was unfulfillable. They set out to commit a fraudulent act. Both parties should be prosecuted and any others that engaged in the same practice. No mercy should be shown.

Ugghh...it makes me sick.

Today has just made me sick all around. Nationalization and fraud...the new definition of capitalism? Plus, where is the government getting all this money? Oh, thatapos;s right us. I donapos;t know how Obama or McCain cannot afford to taxes without further ruining the economy or declaring bankruptcy. I just donapos;t understand. I guess it means my generation has no future as our social security payments will go to the baby boomers leaving none for us and everything we do will be put towards keeping the economy from utter devastation for the generation to proceed us. My generation - the walking dead - no future left for us. It also makes me sick to know that I am at the mercy of the idiots in power at any given time.

So yeah, I am upset and distraught while the most frustrating aspect is that I am have no control. No matter what I do I might as well just sign every cent i make over to the government now so they can give it to the bank CEOs and mortgage lenders that obviously know something I donapos;t. I guess my schooling taught me incorrectly all the times that they said fraud was illegal. That, and I guess crime does pay even when caught.

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Well now.
I havenapos;t heard a�word from�my almost-boyfriend since Thursday
(and when I last talked to him, we were laughing and joking and happy)
and my best friend of over�two�years�wonapos;t even give me the time of day.

Iapos;m an attentive person, Iapos;m an apologetic person, I am a humble person.
When I do something stupid and ignorant, I am usually�aware of my own mistakes.
When�I upset someone,�or when�I�make someone angry with me,
I�usually understand what I did to make them angry or upset�with me.
And I feel guilty for it. And I apologize for it.

So, the best part about right now?
I�honestly and sincerely�donapos;t even know what I did to fuck up.

I feel guilty,�and I just wish someone would give me a reason�why.
But I guess I just have to wait here until the two people�I care the�most about
decide when and if theyapos;re going�to stop shutting me out.

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"you changed your name. Lux no longer fills your dreams?

"lux? iapos;m not in love with a suicide. Iapos;m in love with stephanie, we are stepane and stepahnie. And, i made her a new invention: an implosive vocabulary impeder. Iapos;m testing it out so i canapos;t give it to her yet."

"an implosive vocabulary impeder? is that anything like crack or meth?"

"actually, itapos;s just scotch tape over her mouth. But donapos;t tell her that."
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