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The Buick is officially re-registered, has new tags, and is legal to drive. Iapos;ve decided that the car suits me well after all. Worthless, broken, and unwanted, it still manages to get around and do what it needs to do. Just like me.

I paid off the ticket I got for no license / expired registration. I got it dropped to less than half the original amount by showing proof I solved both problems. Alex charmed everyone, thankfully. He smiles for me now.

I opened a checking account at Freedom Credit Union. I didnapos;t know where else to go. The big banks are all being sold out or going under, plus have high fees. I should get my debit card within a week or two; Iapos;ll change my direct deposit tonight.

The bluetooth Mac mouse is set up to be sold tonight for a whole $5. Not much, but itapos;s something. Iapos;m just bringing it to work with me, and will take care of the meeting / sale there. That avoids the need for further interaction, emailing, favors, etc.

Shambry is online. I realize Iapos;m staring at that fact. I try not to. Should I sign off so she can be online? Will she sign off because Iapos;m on now? Will I be reading meaning into every ridiculous normal bit of activity I see forever?

I took a look at myself today in the mirror. A real look. Iapos;m old. Iapos;m overweight, out of shape. I have stretch marks. Iapos;m tired, sore, and ugly. No wonder some kid was more appealling.

I reread my recent entries. Full of anger, despair, and pathetic desperation. The words waver between making sense and seeming alien. Is this who Iapos;ve always been? No wonder a stranger sounded better to her.

I thought back to my actions over the past months. I thought about myself a year ago. Though I continued to rely on her and need her, I realize Iapos;ve changed. Trying to keep my instability from hurting her, I ended up putting a wall between us emotionally. No wonder even a dilliquent kid provided better companionship.

I think about walking for miles that Friday afternoon. Again and again trying to shove my mind back together. Again and again noticing sharp objects everywhere. Struggling to hold everything in place though I couldnapos;t give a reason why. Struggling not to revert completely back to three years ago, where she found me... Empty, suicidal, just a ruined shell trying to end it all. But I am a little different. My mind cycled through the old options. Alchohol. Running to an ex. Sleeping pills. I cast each aside with disinterest. They were options before, why not now?

I couldnapos;t answer that then. I think I can now. Unfortunately, I now know what actual love feels like. Not the twisted, dark drama-seeking codependancy of Kim. Not the escapism and neediness of Betty. No, somehow I realized that I canapos;t escape whatapos;s inside my heart. As one-sided and unrequited as the feeling is, itapos;s real. Something about me feels real for the first time in decades. It may be painful, useless, even dangerous. But itapos;s all I have to hold on to. Watching myself fall to pieces again, itapos;s the one thing at my core that will stay put. Likely driving me mad. Drowning me in pain. But at least itapos;s real. In some small way, something about me is valid, even if utterly pointless.
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